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Martha Stewart vs. Me

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the
bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch
with your feet up eating it anyway.

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Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your
pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get
perfectly shaped pancakes every time.


My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave
for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the
plastic bag.

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Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place
an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it
in the pantry for up to a year.


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Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from
your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and
enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil
on stovetop.


My way: Eat at Taco Bell every night and avoid cooking.
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Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick
cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces
and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be
any leftovers.

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Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring
the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the
cake.


My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for
you.

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Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over-salt a dish
while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and
it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me
up"


My way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will
eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

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Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
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Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie
crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I
don't do it.

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Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened
brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
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Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add
a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural
sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

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Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut
it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing
will go away.


My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without
getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now
blind.

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Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover
wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
and sauces.


My way: Leftover wine?
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Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars:
Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip
grip that makes opening jars easy.


My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
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