Make your own free website on

Martha Stewart vs. Me

Martha's way #1: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the
bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the
cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch
with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way #2: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your
pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get
perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave
for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the
plastic bag.

Martha's way #3: To keep potatoes from budding, place
an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it
in the pantry for up to a year.

Martha's way #6: To easily remove burnt-on food from
your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and
enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil
on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Taco Bell every night and avoid cooking.
Martha's way #7: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick
cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces
and there won't be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be
any leftovers.

Martha's way #8: When a cake recipe calls for flouring
the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead
and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the

My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it for

Martha's way #9: If you accidentally over-salt a dish
while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and
it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me

My way: If you over-salt a dish while you are cooking,
that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will
eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Martha's way #10: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when
putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
Martha's way #11: Brush some beaten egg white over pie
crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not
include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I
don't do it.

Martha's way #12: Place a slice of apple in hardened
brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
Martha's way #13: When boiling corn on the cob, add
a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corn's natural

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Martha's way #15: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut
it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing
will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is
because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without
getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem
isn't the headache anymore, it is because you are now

Martha's way #16: Don't throw out all that leftover
wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles
and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?
Martha's way #17: If you have a problem opening jars:
Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip
grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.